do you ever feel like you`d step in front of a bus for your children.
but you`d also give them away for a nickel?
i feel really bad saying that
because i love them with all of my being.
i cannot ever imagine
or mother in law,
saying or thinking such a thing.
(they both raised 6, and seemed to never lose their cool.)
sometimes i wish i was more perfect.
that i would just adore reading stories 24/7 and never rely on the trashed playroom for babysitting…
every day i lose patience with them at some point.
i just thought it would be so much easier.
sometimes i feel like i was just blind-sided by having two, and i haven`t been the same since.
elle is till 2- she is starting to ask me questions i have no idea how to answer.
she also deals with irrational fears at times, and i just wish my praying over her would help instantly.
laila wants to cling to my skirt all the time. i understand now what moms meant when they said,
“i just cannot stand one more person touching me!!”
i NEVER used to get that.
before i had either of my girls. i lost 2.
i wanted a baby more than LIFE. when we finally had elle- it was so easy and so fun.
i wanted more of this good stuff. we were just plumb in love with her.
18 months later i was sitting on a hospital bed holding 2 “babies”. elle and laila.
i had a c-section and a great recovery.
i felt so blessed. we were.
times went on.
i really struggle with guilt that i don`t feel jubilant and cheery at all times with my 2 miracle girls.
after all- didn`t God “give” me what i “wanted”?
don`t i at least owe God a proverbs 31 attitude at all times?
shouldn`t i spend the rest of my life being “perfect” to repay him for the gift He gave me?
can i just share with you that God is using these 2 precious little girls to teach me so much about myself?
i am learning to rest in God.
to face my imperfections and see them as a part of human-me, that good can come from seeing it.
that i can impact more people, being humble and human, than “perfect”.
that my girls will never have a perfect mother– it`s a joke to think they could.
it`s a journey.
funny how momma saying sorry, melts the heart of even a little 2 year old.
it`s funny how when i get behind her eyes, i often find her bad behavior started with me.
and my bad behavior.
i didn`t wake up with God that morning. i woke up thinking of me and how tired i was, and how everything in this house needs me…
my sister in law said on facebook the other day- that she was talking with a group of older mothers and she asked them,
“what was the best time of your lives?”
[vacation? date nights? time out alone? girls nights? watching a movie?]
they all said,
“when all the children were still at home”.
it`s a journey… and i am trying, with God watching over my shoulder, to savor my girls, and my husband, and our life,
i`d love to hear your story, too.